ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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