were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
