I looked at my own cervix.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
