I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize