____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
