White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
