I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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