ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
please come you make the beer taste better
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
