Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
