You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
