so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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