no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
