I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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