Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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