So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
