I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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