If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Randomize
