opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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