We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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