You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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