i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
