Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My bed smells like the plague
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
