even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
