You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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