i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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