so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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