you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
