apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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