I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
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Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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