Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Randomize
