i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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