five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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