And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My life is pants optional.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
