I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Boobs are out for the taking
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
