4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
