I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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