Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
