we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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