$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
