I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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