You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
