Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
we should paint friendship bongs
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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