Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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