I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
