Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
