??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your cock deserves a montage
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
