Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
