I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
