I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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