Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
