Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
