I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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