I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
