i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
