do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
