did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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