Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
