Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
