Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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