I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
