I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
