why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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