Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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